Coming up higher


This was a special day with the Lord. I had been listen to a preacher man for about 2 weeks and he was talking about meeting the Lord on his mountain. as I could see it clearer every time he spoke about it.  I began to wonder where was my mountain?  where could I go to meet the Lord. and what could I bring as a offering to meet with him on the Holy Mountain I would wonder if my Lord and master would even want to come and meet me? who was I ask my Lord to visit me? but that was a great desire in my heart . every day I would go to the window three times a day looking  out into the Kansas skies. oh I loved the skies in Kansas. I knew that God was the best artist ever. everyday he would paint me a beautiful sky to look at. and every time I went to the window there was a new picture. the best part about the relastionship I had with the Lord. is meeting with him took away the pain of the broken places that was still in my heart.  most people would have thought my life had ended after my stroke. I knew I had a ways to go before I would even be able to write about my broken heart because eit was still very much broken, another preacher man had told me one day your heart is shattered into piece. I felt the anger lift inside of me like a fire that had just ignited. I thought how dare you say that to me. I had work many years to be a whole person again. and you tell me my heart is shattered. I was hoping I had been on repair, but  what he was saying I was broken. little did I know I was very broken. and the Lord was going to bring healing to my heart. I have always been a person who would rather be alone.  I let very few people into the intimate place in my heart. because every time I did they hurt me. so it felt good to be with the Lord in these small quite places. to write a book about how good he is was like asking me to cut my arm off. I didn't want to share with people how great he is. because I was afraid of the hurt they would cause. I went years saying yes Lord I will. but in my heart I was saying no. I told the Lord  you don't know how hurtful people can be.  Lord I think I could write a journal and leave it for my kids, but he ask me to share this book with world. as I began each new chapter the tears would roll down my face. for many reason. rememebeing all these great days with him. but also it take courage to heal. each day was a free choice if I was will that day to climb my moutian. right now iam coming up on the side of my moutian  hanging on pulling myself forward . it would be easy to go back down the mountain.  and the Lord was not telling me I had to do anything. it all had to be my free choice.  I had been controlled all my life. people telling me what to do. what not to do. how bad of a person I was. every morning I wake I hear his sweet small still voice say I love you. and I say I love you to Lord.  my friend would take me to different churches. teaching me to walk that way. going into a building made no diffence to me if the people inside of it where no diferent then anyone else who hurt you. and again that was all I seen . people hurting each other. what was crazy what they called the chruch